Since last year, I have been chronically experiencing a type of sensation, known to most as deja vu: a feeling of having already experienced a present situation. For most, the sensation is only temporary, lasting only a few seconds, and does not cause any physical pain. But for me, it results in immense pain and seizures. It happens out of nowhere during any regular day, without warning. I could be walking home, working, or even relaxing on my balcony. Unable to scream for help, head and heart-pounding, and heat filling up my head is what I go through as I desperately try to reach for a cloudy memory that does not exist.

I feel fingers in my head trying to reach that memory and pull it close so I know what is going on and what my mind is trying to tell me, but it always fades away before I can get near. After it happens, I cannot remember what I saw at all. What I know for sure is this so-called “memory” is something I have never experienced before. Sometimes it even feels like a precognition.

Every time I seek help from others, I get ignored or laughed at. Doctors especially tend to doubt me and insist I am making up stories or hallucinating. After many attempts, I began to accept and realize that the only person who can save me from myself is in fact, myself.

This animation expresses my experiences with sensations of deja vu, false memories, loneliness, acceptance, and realization.